in the dark it naws

trash can

Had you told me your intent was to use me and toss me away, I may have dealt with that. I'm not one to hold to illusions, time has taught me to know better. As foolish as you may think of me, this is not a foolish girl with which you play your games. I know the drill. The whisper of sweet nothings means less and less each time I hear them. After all, this is not but more than a means to your ends. You got what you wanted. I'm nothing more than another notch in your belt. And to mask my pain, to mask my sadness, I'll chalk you up to not much more than another notch in my lip stick case. It pains me to do so, I thought so much more of you. But, I refuse to be the one left standing holding my bleeding heart in my hands and wanting for your return.

like rain

How easily I forget, my love for the rain.
I carry an umbrella high above my head. Shielding me from the cool sweet caress. Rain falling like kisses on my skin, filling my head with thoughts of sun showers and beautiful colors. Once I longed to walk hand in hand in the rain, dreaming of tomorrows that would never be. But one time too many I've been caught in the storm. How quickly the sweet summer rain can turn into an unforeseen typhoon. Suddenly, I'm lost, the warm rain that tickled my skin turns icy and cold, the dark clouds roll in and I am left vulnerable.
Oh how I hate the rain. Promising myself time and time again, I wouldn't be caught. How foolish I can be. Words falling like sweet rain, making me want, making me believe. Now I wait, praying for a break in the dark clouds.I wait for the sun to warm my cold bones.

In Recent events ....

Well, yesterday turned out to be an eventful Friday! Grabbed a fantastic sushi lunch with the ladies. So many laughs! I'm going to miss them terribly in the months to come. Especially my Erica, my confidant, my secret keeper, my go to gal. *sighs* It's going to be hard not to call you constantly keeping you up to date on my turbulent life. Hearing you laugh off my biggest worries, ensuring me that in the end, it will all work out. That in the end I will be happy. I thank you for being such a positive force in my life. We both know the last few months have been less than easy, for me with so many changes and twists in the plot line. But despite everything you have kept me laughing, making it all easier.

Oh well, enough gushing for one entry! On to more exciting things ... A new breath of fresh air has blown into my life. It began rather unconventionally, and in merely a weeks time it has managed to put a permanent smile on my face. I'm currently unsure of what the outcome of this new arrival shall be, but I am excited. It's somewhat true what they say, when you stop looking that is when you find what you are looking for. I won't say much more other than so far, this new arrival has been a pleasant surprise. And has given me renewed hope that maybe happiness is in my cards.

As always, keeping you posted.

- N.
xoxo

Anxiety

We find ourselves in mid-June now. And still no contract for South Korea. My hopes of leaving the confines of the Big Nickel by August seem to be becoming more and more far fetched. The thought of remaining here is less than comforting. Since making the decision to make this big leap My body craves and aches for adventure and change. I want to spread my wings and fly! As corny as it maybe I feel it's time for me to shed the confines of my hometown cocoon and experience life. I feel there is so much more out there for me to see and experience.
-N.
xo

Someday I'll Wish Upon a Star ...

Tonight I find myself in a slight melancholic mood.
Not sure what it is ... could be the fact that I'm beginning to really miss Kyle, all it took tonight was for the Subway boy to ask me about the whereabouts of the "Sub-man" as he so calls Kyle to bring the familiar sting of tears to my eyes. Funny how things work out. From the beginning we agreed to not get too attached. The pre-cursor to our relationship being the fact that I was leaving for Korea in August come hell or high water. I never would have thought of you as my high water Kyle, I became far more attached to you than I had ever anticipated. And now that you have left, to work out of town, a scenario unanticipated by either of us, I find myself to be the one missing. I looked forward to my leaving you in August, not that it wouldn't be hard, I just thought that I would be too busy to focus on my heartbreak. The challenge and adventure of a foreign country keeping my mind occupied. But alas, it is me who was left behind, and left to be the one missing you.
Or perhaps, it's the red wine I have become such a fan of in this past month. Coming home tonight to my quiet empty apartment I found solace in my vintage. Not that this is a regular habit of mine, tho I do so like the familiar mellow of my red.
And now I find myself thinking of the what-could-have beens of mylife. Watching the season finale of Glee and tearing up ... uggh remind me not. I am well aware of the pathetic-ness of the scenario ... if anything I have come to a grand conclusion. I now have a reason to wish for marriage in my future. A long time ago, like so many other little girls I dreampt of my wedding day, and the one thing I wished for most was the chance to dance with my daddy. I chose the song long ago ... Over the Rainbow ... as sung by Isreal Kamakawiwo Ole'. A detail I had long buried away. Wouldn't you know it, Glee ends their season with this song ... Uke and all ... bringing tears to my eyes. For so long I've accepted the fact that I could be happy in life without the white dress ... the flowers ... the church ... the cake ... but now ... I'm left wondering. Is it so bad? :) I kinda like the idea of the big day ... sighs
oh well, if it doesn't happen Please someone ... tell my parents this is the song I wish to have sung at my funeral.

xo
-N.

3 am and I'm empty ...

So, I've decided to get back to it. ... Blogging that is ... this time around I'm attempting to not be so angsty ... time to be upbeat. Although write out my thoughts seems to be highly therapeutic for me which is why my blogs tend to turn rather redundant. As I keep discussing the things that are eating away at me rather than focusing on all that is positive in my life. So, here we go again. If you decide to come along and live a little inside my mind, fantastic. If not, I can't say I blame you.